Foreigners Immigrants Therapy 101: How to feel “relevant”?
I have been working as a Clinical Psychologist in San Diego, California over the past 20 years, specializing in therapy for immigrants and foreigners. However, this was not the profession that I had when I arrived in the U.S. almost 30 years ago. Back then, I was a recent PhD graduate from a prestigious science research program in my home country. I had come to the U.S. with much anticipation and excitement about pursuing a research-focused post-doctoral fellowship and landed in the middle of the middle of the country, somewhere in the Midwest, of all of places. I had some apprehension about my new adventure, but also felt intrigued and “ready” -- I was used to feeling competent and prepared to master any new task, given my past academic accomplishments.
Little did I know how unprepared I was… The Midwest winter was not late to arrive, and with the drop in temperature, I felt that my Mediterranean heart was also sinking deeper and deeper each day. My goal was to find my bearings in the busy research department where I had my new position; in reality, I kept wandering the long hallways of the building, looking for friendly or familiar faces, mostly feeling lost, clueless, and alone.
Over the years of working in therapy with immigrants and foreigners, I’ve come to realize that the adjustment difficulties, which I had in the Midwest back then, are, in fact, quite common in newcomers to the U.S. No matter how rich, articulate or fascinating your past experiences are, when memories of them meet the new American culture, the sinking feeling you get is, “my past is not at all relevant here.”
This feeling is most apparent in social situations. Although you have acquired the language and may be a domain expert at your job, “cultural context,” often used, unconsciously, in group conversations, is hard to catch up on. By “cultural context” I am referring to what people are exposed to as they grow up without even being aware of it. This may include typical childhood experiences (e.g., going to the city fair once a year for many years, or attending several weeks of summer camp), popular TV shows and other pop culture events, colloquial language, and local social norms, to name just a few components. When people interact socially, superficially, they make a lot of references to cultural context experiences, and as a foreigner, you typically feel “out of the loop.” It’s a catch-up game that seems futile: First you need to realize what it is that you are missing, and then you need to tolerate the imposition of stopping the conversation and asking others for explanation.
The thing is that you yourself also have your own cultural context. Where you grew up, kids had their prototypical experiences, you had your own exposure to local TV shows or pop culture, and even as an adult you might have had special, seemingly unique experiences that were shared by other adults in your country (e.g., fulfilling compulsory military service requirement). How do you build a bridge to that past, and bring up those important memories that helped form who you are, while playing catch- up in conversations with Americans? How do you move on from feeling that your past, your legacy, your background, is irrelevant to the conversation, to feeling that you can make it relevant and make others curious about it.
Foreigners and immigrants, how do you start feeling that your past is relevant -- that it is not “invisible” in the conversation?
Accomplishing that often requires patience, courage, and timing. Early on, after you arrive to the U.S., if you are like most other foreigners, you are primarily absorbed in a steep learning process that is focused on whatever is needed to survive and function in this foreign country. It is typically after a year (one circle around the sun), that you start getting your bearings; however, in truth, the learning process lasts way beyond that. As you learn and absorb new information about life in the U.S., you also get to know some people. Slowly, typically in one-on-one conversations, you can start sharing a taste of what it was like to grow up where you came from. When people are curious, and genuinely interested in what you have to share, you feel wonderful. For me, it’s a combination of sweet and sometimes sad (for being gone) memories, together with a sense that my past has entered the conversation and added value. Then I feel more relevant. With time, some of these new people in your life will remember the memories that you shared with them, and a bridge between your past and home culture and the here-and-now of the American culture will have been built.
Free therapy consultation in San Diego, California
If you’ve had similar experiences, and would like to talk about them and other issues in therapy, please reach out to me for a free 15-min phone consultation. We will briefly review your goals for therapy, and I will share with you if I can help. If I can’t help, I will refer you to other resources. Please press here to schedule your phone consultation or call me at 858-330-0065.