Foreigners and immigrants: What do American mean when they say…
Many of us come to the U.S. after years of studying English in school, and if we were admitted to an American university, only after passing English proficiency tests (e.g., TOEFL). However, language in social settings goes beyond using good vocabulary and proper grammar. School-learned English does not guarantee understanding English that used in a cultural context, which we quickly find out is critical to effective communication. The moment of facing a misunderstanding in communication in the U.S. may feel quite embarrassing; this feeling lessens when we get together with other foreigners, share our stories of misunderstandings, and laugh at our trials and tribulations of adapting to this new culture.
Is it “American slang” or a “cultural code” that only insiders can decipher?
It took me a while to realize that when I am run into somebody, and they ask me “how are you doing?”, it is the equivalent to them just saying “hello,” (a standard greeting) and does not necessarily mean more than that. The same is true with “how is your day going?” when asked by the person at the cash register in a grocery store. In my early days in the U.S., when life was hard and I felt lonely, I sometimes wanted to share the truth about how I felt or how my day was really going, but that was not always appropriate in the context of those “mini conversations.” With time, I learned that when asked “how are you doing?”, I could respond with “I am good, and you?”, and move on. Funny thing is that sometimes in therapy, I open a session asking the client “how are you doing?” with the hope of starting a good therapy conversation, but the client responds superficially with “I am great” (even when they don’t actually feel that way) -- presumably out of cultural habit. I then may ask again “how are you really feeling?” and they typically laugh and reply with a more honest answer.
Do you know about those “small talk” conversations in the breakroom at work or during lunch? I am referring to conversations with colleagues or acquaintances who don’t really know you or much about your personal life. Sometimes they ask you: “so, how was your weekend?” or “any special plans for your birthday?” These sort of questions always catch me off-guard, especially when I have had a very uneventful weekend, or when, in fact, I don’t have any special birthday plans. The discomfort is because I feel that the questions involve an implicit expectation that I would describe something especially fun or exciting that I have done or plan to do. You may ask: But can I share a not-so-fun weekend as well? Of course, you can; though the norm might be that in a not-so-close relationship, you are not expected to disclose information that is too personal or make you feel vulnerable. So, a good way to get out of this situation is to quickly recall something neutral that you might have done, such as “I went on a nice walk” or “I got together with some friends” and reply with that. If you want to be more honest, you can say “not much” (as in “I didn’t do much”) and counter with – “how about you?” such that the ball is now in their court.
“I really like your shirt / shoes / earrings…” – This is another “small talk” opener that you might encounter when you run into someone who you just sort of know. I’ve never understood it, especially when wearing nothing special, such that the comment seems to come out of the blue. I think that these comments, like the previous “conversation openers” are just a way of a making you feel good, or a way of saying: “I am on your side, I am not the enemy.” I’ve learned that rather than dwelling on them, I can just say “thank you,” and perhaps say something nice in return.
As I write these examples, I realize that they might be prototypical to Southern California, where I live, and not generalize in all cases to other areas of the U.S. One of the norms that astonished me when moving to Southern California is people’s tendency to talk about the weather as part of a “small talk”. This is especially surprising because there is not much variation in weather in So Cal, and 72o F is the norm. Still people often comment about the weather when they start a conversation: “It’s a beautiful day today, isn’t it?”, and so on. To me, this seems to go back to the practice of infusing good feeling into the conversation, not being alarming, negative, or too personal when you’re interacting with a stranger.
As you walk away from someone with whom you have been exchanging “small talk”, they might say: “see you around.” This typically means that they don’t intend to reach out to you for another conversation but that they probably will talk to you if they accidentally see you again. What if they say “let’s get lunch some time” or “I will call you” – what do these statements say about their level of intention or commitment to interacting with you again? Do they truly plan to call you, or is it a way of saying – “we can stay in touch, but it is not committal?” These “talk gestures” can mark different levels of connection or affiliation with another person. It may be hard to generalize about what each expression implies or means; however, it is important to remember that they don’t always literally mean what they seem to say.
Saying “I love you” or “I miss you” is more common in some cultures than in others. In certain cultures, these expressions are only reserved for very special relationships or interactions. I find that Americans use positive emotional gestures like these phrases (and the act of hugging) quite readily. The same is true for saying “hello” when you’re walking on a path, and you run into a complete stranger walking in the opposite direction. I like those “niceties,” as they make me feel that I live in a kind world.
These are just a few examples of the ways communication is rooted in cultural norms and thus may be a bit confusing when you first arrive in the U.S. Once you learn them, they become second nature to you too, and all is good.
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