Foreigners and immigrants 101: How to make friends in a new country?
While anticipating relocation to the U.S., many of us likely had somewhat idyllic ideas about what life in the U.S. would be like: We might have caught a glimpse of the “American dream” through movies and TV shows and felt that we were about to step into the land of unlimited opportunities. We hoped to make American friends, who’d accept us as one of them, and accompany us on the path to a new and perhaps better future.
However, making American friends was seldom as easy as we had hoped or imagined. First, there were the language and accent barriers, which made communication clunky, especially early on. Admittedly, talking with us was not the most fun for a native-English speaker, even if they were very patient.
Then, there was the difficulty stemming from our own sense of social (dis)comfort. We felt misplaced due to our struggle with English and were confused about the norms of communication in a new cultural context (see in my other blogs). Clearly, how smooth we were socially was not a function of how good our language was; it was a function of how comfortable we felt with whatever language we had. People, who are relatively less self-conscious about how they sound tend to fare better when talking with others.
As we continued on our path, we also might have wondered about the norms of “American friendships,” or what is expected or involved in being a friend in the U.S. Of course, there is no single norm for all Americans as it is a very large and diverse country. Norms of friendships vary across different communities and different geographical regions within the U.S. (e.g., big city America versus rural America). However, wherever we landed in the U.S., we were faced with local norms which probably were in at least some ways different than the norms in our home country. For instance, in my home country, you can easily stop by at a friend’s house without much of an announcement or even drop in for dinner. Similarly, in my home country, when you invite people over for a party, you specify only when they could arrive, and not an end time, or when they would be expected to leave. By contrast, I have found that social encounters are much more planned out in Southern CA, where I now live. You reach out to a friend with a suggestion to meet, and they schedule you for three or four weeks later. You get an evite for a birthday party and it says that it starts at 2:00 and ends at 4:00. Is this because Americans have a very busy life and need to be more scheduled? I am not sure that this is the reason. In the U.S., I have gotten the sense that there is a relatively clearer separation between one’s “work-related self” and their “social self” or “personal self.” Social boundaries may be firmer to substantiate and protect that separation (however, this is just a hypothesis).
One solution that many foreigners and immigrants find is to immerse themselves in a sub-community of people from their home country while they live in the U.S. This takes care of difficulties related to language and accent, as well as misunderstandings due to context and social norms. Also, this makes it is easier to continue celebrating one’s home traditions while living away from home, which is highly valuable. Even though hanging out with people from your own country can feel good and comforting, it can also be complicated, especially if that home country community is small. People in that small community may assume family-like relationships with you while you might feel you would not have chosen to be their close friend if you had met back home. If you are lucky, you do find like-minded people among your home country sub-community. If you are not, you may need to navigate boundaries with this group as well.
How to make friends in the United States and feel good about it?
First and foremost, having some social connections is highly critical for a person’s well-being, so don’t give up on it. People who have friends in a new country typically adapt better and are more protected from feeling depressed.
Remember, making new friends takes time (even in your home country!). So, what’s true about your social situation now may be different in the future.
Take charge, be the driver of your car (so to speak). You may need to initiate things, make phone calls, invite people over, suggest going places. Doing that might be easier with people from your home country at first. However, many also find that it is quite easy and very much fun to connect with foreigners from other countries. With them you may have the common experience of being a foreigner, without being locked in with people from your own sub-community. And finally, there are Americans who would love to get to know you, learn about the unique flavors that you add to their local culture, and include you in their lives.
Often, it is easier to connect with people through shared activities. Sign up to organized social groups – whether in your neighborhood or through work or school. Engage in DOING things with people, which would make talking about those activities more natural. One place to meet others for activities is MeetUp (checkout this link to learn about this website). You can also meet people through sport clubs, or volunteer organizations. If this fits who you are, you can meet people through faith-related activities, e.g., church, synagogue, temple, mosque, or others.
Dare, don’t shy away, try! The worst that can happen is that you won’t like what you’ve tried, and then, you don’t need to do it again. If you don’t try, you don’t know whether you like it or not, whether it would have been a success.
Foreigners and immigrants in San Diego and / or California, schedule your free phone consultation for therapy
I am a therapist who specialize in working with foreigners and immigrants. If you’d like to discuss the option of therapy with me, please press here or call me at 858-330-0065. We will have a 15-min phone consultation, where I will ask you about your therapy goals, and share with you whether I think I can help. If I cannot help, I may recommend other resources. Please don’t hesitate to reach out. It’s time to feel better!